I am an emotional wreck this morning. I have tried to keep busy, and with three Littles still here its not been hard, but my tears are still falling freely as the have all the last few hours.
This morning was a huge step in independence for our 5 year old. For the first time since we moved he was able to ride the bus to school. Seeing that he still requires a car seat the bus needed to arrange an aid. Back home in WV our special needs bus automatically had an aid (we miss bus driver Richard so much) but they had to hire one here. We had to drive him back and forth to school while we waited for the job to be listed,filled, and back ground check done before he was able to ride. Today was the day. I walked him down the driveway, his purple Popsicle in one hand my hand in the other. He looked so big. He asked why we were not in the car and I told him he would see. As the bus pulled in he smiled great big and let out a loud giggle. He started jumping up and down saying “my bus my bus it pick me up” I smiled while trying to hold back the tears. The bus door opened and his driver, a sweet little older lady, smiled and welcomed him on. She had me come on as well so that I could met the aid. We talked briefly while JR found his seat. She assured me he was in good hands and not to worry. With that it was time to let him go. He waved and giggled as he told me bye. The door closed and they were off. As I walked back up the driveway tears began to fall. I started thinking back to the fist days he was in our care. All the hospital visits all the reports saying “He may not make it” “He may never walk or talk we just don’t know” all the emotion hit me hard. I look back over my shoulder and think how far he has come. He is walking. He is talking. He is thriving. I dry off my face and go in the house.
My husband gets our middle daughter ready to head out the door to her bus. He hugs our oldest daughter goodbye and tells her if she needs him just to call. He then tells Elissa to give her sissy a hug, she does and says “see you later sissy” Out the door they go. She will be so upset when she realizes sissy will not be here this evening. We tried explaining it to her but she is six, things seem to go in one ear and out the other with her this days. We will just pray for the best this evening.
Bags and suitcases line the hallway. We loaded up the last of her things and she tells the boys and baby girl goodbye, I stand in the kitchen waiting so the little ones don’t see me cry. We hug and I kiss her check. I go over her checklist and reiterate the importance of her calling me along the way when she stops and again when she gets there. The five hours drive worries me. We walk to her car and I snap a few pictures, hard to believe she’s leaving. Even harder to beleive this is her last year at college. I swear it was just yesterday I waited outside with her to catch the bus to go to kindergarten. Time moves so fast. She looks out her window and says “I got to go” She blows me a kiss and I blow her one back. She pulls out of the garage and down the driveway she goes.
Letting go is not something I am good at. My kids (and my husband) are my life. I feel incomplete when they are away. I know that it’s part of life and they must spread their wings and learn to fly on their own but the worry is still there. I pray that I as their mom have taught them enough and prepared them enough for the harsh world we live in. I have prayed for Jesus to cover them with His protection and for Him to give them wisdom when facing hard choices and for Him to remind them they are never alone that He is always with them. But as a mom you still worry have I done enough? Letting go and letting them discover life on their own is hard but it must be done. One day, just not today, I will look back and think of this day and a smile will come across my face because my babies were able to move on to the next part of their journey and that I was there to see it and be part of it. One day they will thank me for letting go and letting them move on and move forward. One day, they too, will have little ones that they will have to let go and on that day if tears fall down their face I hope they know its ok to do so. It’s hard on us moms but when we see just how much they accomplish on their own we will smile, our hearts will grow with pride, and we will be even more pleased with the wonderful children we have raised. Until then it’s ok to cry it’s ok to miss them it’s ok to worry about them. After all whether they are 5 ,21 or 100 they will always be our babies.
From our beautiful chaos to yours take time to make memories today for far to soon it will be time to let them go