I look at my six year old and my heart and mind both fill up with mixed emotions. I love her more than she will ever know, which makes what’s going on with her so hard for me. She looks up and smiles at me while she looks through the pages of a new book. For now all if fine, but I know soon very soon we will be at war. She can’t help it. So I will take this moment and hold on to it. I will recall it later (how precious she is and how much I love that smile) when she’s screaming she hates me, it will happen. It happens daily.
I am her mother, but my blood does not run through her veins. I did not give birth to her or raise her for her first two years, Lord knows I wish I had. I really wish I had. Maybe then things would be different. Even before she was born she was unloved and unproctected. Her birth mom drank, smoked, and did drugs (all of which she denied up till the adoption) while pregnant. She never had someone to love her, care for her, or protect her like a child should, not until she came here at least. I wish her birth mom(and dad) knew what an impact their poor decisions had on my daughter. However seeing I have three more of bio moms children who are younger, I don’t figure she would really care. Addiction is a sick twisted disease. I pray for birth mom every day I hope she finds help one day.
I can’t change the past for my diva. I can’t take away the pain or the hurt. I am thankful she does not recall what happened, but the aftermath is still there. And when she was a little over four it started to surface. When things first started going down hill we got the typical remarks like “She’s acting out because of the new babies” or “Maybe she needs to be an only child” or “She’s only four it’s just the terrible twos hitting a little late”
Then last year things got worse. She started acting out in school, not doing her work, eating glue, eating pencils and erasers, and back talking the teacher. At home it was fighting with her brothers, hitting walls, cutting up her sheets and her hair, and defining everything I said. She was five. People have no clue how bad it was.
My husband moved out of state for his job in October last year. I opted to stay back so our oldest son could graduate high school with his friends. I was not moving him his senior year. She went from bad to worse. She would do things to be spiteful (spitting on her brothers, biting, and even using the floor as her personal toilet both number one and number two) she never made things easy. Everything was always my fault and she made sure to let me know. I was reminded daily that she hated me in both her actions and her words.
When I started looking for help for her I was met with comments like “She just misses her dad” and “She will be fine after everyone is back together under one roof” and my personal favorite “You should have stopped adopting after the first two” No one believed it was as bad as it was….. no one except her pediatrician. Thank God for her pediatrician.
Her doctor suggested we start seeing a therapist. So we did. We talked about the screaming, the fighting, the cutting stuff up, and a list of other things I will keep to myself. But after months we were still nowhere and it was time for us to move. We quickly found a new therapist and pediatrician after we got settled in. Here we are getting somewhere. Here people are listening to my concerns and the concerns of her teacher. Here we finally got a diagnosis.
Last week after months of tests, consults, forms and personal one on one visits we finally have a diagnosis ….. RAD & FASD along with ADD and ADHD. The truth is I am not surprised. In fact I am relieved we finally have something to work with. For all those that thought I was “just making it out to be worse than it really was” I guess I do know my daughter better than you do. I am her mother, I know her better than anyone. I am with her every day and every night. I see the struggles the rage and the pain and I knew something was not right. Now that we know what’s going on we can get her help that she deserves.
I know we are in for a long road. There will be huge obstacles to overcome, and we will do just that. We will fight the uphill battle with her past demons because she is worth it. Will she ever just run up and hug me for no reason other than she just wants to, maybe not. Part of RAD is the attachment issues. Her therapist assures me my daughter loves me very much that’s why she takes everything out on me. She is afraid I will leave her (maybe because her birth mom did) so she chooses to distance herself from me so she won’t be hurt. And I know she loved me, but man some days it’s really hard for me to see it. So I cling to the small moments.
God placed her in my arms for a reason. And I promised to love her and protect her just as I promised Him I would love and protect my older children. Adoption made her legally mine but she was meant to be my child before she was born, God had a plan. And I am thankful for His plan.
From our beautiful chaos to yours always trust your mom gut. You know your child better than anyone. Never stop fighting for them, the answers are out there for those that seek then.