Who am I?

In the beginning I was just a dream of my mother’s. Then I became a daughter, first born child, to my parent’s.They are truly like no other’s.

As a child I was a granddaughter, apple of their eyes, stay and play with me awhile, card playing, garden helper, and slumber night at grandpa and grandmas kind of gal. 

I am a big sister, though sometimes not the best but siblings argue from time to time I guess.

I am an aunt of two spunky teens, they make me smile oh how I miss seeing them it’s been quite awhile.

For awhile I was Dave’s wife, mother of two, then I became his ex-wife if people really only knew.

 I am a survivor of domestic violence. It took years to escape, I had it search within to figure out this was not my fate. 

But who am I?

I am a Christian. I love my Jesus, the hallelujah host, I am not perfect not even close, so thankful for the times God love me most.

I am a friend, been both a good one and a bad. I have been there for some at their weakest moments, yet lost some because I was to consumed with life events. 

I am now Todd’s wife, mother of seven. I really miss living in WV “almost heaven”

There I was wife, mom, foster mom, adoptive mom, and so much more. Here I feel a loneliness  like nothing before. 

I miss my foster group meetings and dinners with the family. I miss my best friend’s girls night outs and and surprised bags of peanut M&M candies.

Don’t get me wrong I love my kids, our new house and state, I just wish I was adjusting faster and could have an occasional husband date.

Here I am only mom and wife, and half the time I don’t feel I am even getting that right.

I am now a Tennessean, Mountaineer at heart, Packers are my Pro team after all I am smart. 

I still hate frogs and stormy nights, but love to held around bonfire lights.

I am a kisser of boo-boo’s, a taxi, and a toilet bowl cleaner, sometimes life maked me just a little meaner. 

I am who I am, I’m lucky and blessed sometimes though I wish I knew who “just me” was I guess.

A Peaceful Day in Our World of Chaos 

Today started off with excitement in the air as JR woke up. The kids are on fall break this week. He decided to spend the week here with his younger siblings while our six year old went to my in-laws. But today he and his daddy were headed north to pick up his sister he “missed so badly.” He was excited. In his eyes it was an adventure, just him and his dad two guys taking on the world in the back seat of the Yukon. He got up, packed his activity bag, a snack bag, and waited as patiently as he could while his dad got ready.  He told me goodbye and off they went.  I came back into the living room to find our two youngest boys watching Mickey Mouse Clubhouse. Baby girl was laying in her pack-n-play babbling to herself.  I thought to myself “Today is going to be a peaceful day.”

The morning went by as normal, we had breakfast, they played cars, and then they decided to watch a movie. When Disneys Cars was over we got dressed because the great outdoors was calling them. At least they waited for the dew to dry.  They love being outside. It took them a few minutes to realize they both could swing on the swingset….at the same time. Normally if JR and Elissa are here we have a major problem, four kids and only two swings. Someone is always upset. I’ve already looked at bigger swing sets for next summer. They laughed and giggled all afternoon. They chased the dog and played cars in the floor box. They played in the dirt and ran relays races.  It was so peaceful and so wonderful. The whole week has been like that.  

The boys have been so good this week. We have had the occasional fuss because one of them was sleepy or one of them didn’t want to take his bath but all in all its been a good week. And I needed it. Lately I have felt so many emotions, I’ve been upset, felt lonely, been angry, and even felt trapped (dead battery in the car). I feel so lost here most days without my family and the few friends I have. I can’t just pick up the phone and call my bestie and say “Hey want to go grab a coffee and vent about the day?” Or call my dad and say “Hey can you come watch the Littles for a few minutes so I can get my hair cut?” Don’t take this the wrong way I love my kids, they are my everything, but since the move they are my only thing.  And I am stressed. Trying to figure out what’s going on with our six year old and then dealing with all the daily things that come with being a mom of seven is taking its toll. And I know when Elissa gets back the peace will be gone. She has no control over it and until they figure out whats going on if its RAD or ADD or FAS or a combination of them all we will just get through each day one day at a time. So I needed today, maybe more than the boys did. 

The two of them can make my heart smile.  I can’t imagine life without them. They are the sweetest most kind boys you could asked for. Yes the can get a little, okay a lot, dirty and sometimes they can fight like cats and dogs. But today we had peace. There was peace and giggles and silly songs and dance breaks and milkshakes. Today was a day to just forget about all the problems in our beautiful chaos and just focus on my boys  (baby girl too). Today was beautiful. How I wish everyday could be like this. How I wish JR and Elissa were here to enjoy the day with us. How I wish more days could be stress free like today. How I wish life was not so darn complicated. 

From our beautiful chaos to yours sometimes you just have to be a three year old in an adult world. Take time to laugh, take time to play in the dirt, most important take time to just be with your little ones.

Do You Ever Think of Them?

A letter to our birth mom(s) ….

All the little ones are tucked into bed. I have finished the second round of check-ins to cover them back up, change diapers and kiss them once more. Life may be busy and at times overwhelming but I would not change a thing.

It’s in the moments like this I find myself thinking of our birth moms. Our adoptions were not the typical ones you see play out on TV or like the ones in the newspaper ads. We did not submit our story to an expecting mother for her to look over our file and pick us to be her child’s forever parents. We do not have an open adoption were we(the adoptive parents and birth parents)can share photos and stories about how the kids are and what we both hope their future holds. We do not share stories about our own childhood in hopes to give them the same type of wonderful memories. No our story is nothing like that….so I wonder.

I wonder if on their birthdays do you think of them? Do you ask yourself ” I wonder what toys they like now or how tall are they now?” I wonder if you think to yourself “School is starting soon, will she like her new teacher?” ” Will he ride the bus?” I wonder do you miss late night cuddles and having the magicial mommy kiss that can make the biggest boo boos all better? I wonder if you miss hearing the phrases I love you mommy or Can you tuck me in tonight? I wonder if you even realize what you have lost or have the drugs completely consumed you? I wonder and wait for the next call to come in saying ,”she’s had another baby.” I wonder if you miss them. I wonder do you ever cry yourself to sleep? Do you catch yourself looking in the crowd to see if anyone looks like what you picture them to look like. I wonder if friends or family still ask you about them? I wonder what their lives would be like if the state had not stepped in to save them. A million thoughts and questions run through my mind, especially late at night while I rock our youngest back to sleep or while our son is judged by outsiders on his actions, things he can not help because of the drugs and neglect he had to go through. I get so mad at you and the things you’ve done. You have no idea the damage you placed on their lives because of your choices you made without thinking of the outcome for them. But then God reminds me if it was not for you I would not have them with me. So I wonder what do you think of me?

I am thankful and grateful that I have been given the chance to be their mom. I am thankful for the few talks we had as we waited outside courtroom doors. I am thankful for a system, though broken sometimes, allowed us to keep 4 siblings together and also allowed us to adopted one who had no one. I could not picture my life without them so I wonder what your life is like without them. I wonder if they have your smile, your laugh, or if they have your personality. Does she get her unruly behaviors from you, does he think and solve problems like you? I wonder if they will ask me questions about you later in life. I wonder how I will answer these questions. I wonder if they will thank me for giving them a chance at a normal life or will they recent me for keeping you away from them? How will I handle that? I wonder if you pray for them and wish them well in their new life. Or if once they were removed from your care you never gave them a second thought? I wonder if your ok. I wonder if you are safe. I wonder if you even care.

I know you never planned for drugs and alchol to take over your life. I know that having your children removed and placed in state care was not how you saw things when you were a little girl. I know you must have been angry, scared, and maybe a little ashamed. But I need you to know they are okay. They are better than okay they are great. Know that I love them. All of them. I love them with every beat of my heart. I love early morning wake ups to giggling down the hall. I love story time and playtime and all the times in between. Know that they are happy, sassy, talented, and yes they fight with each other like all siblings do. Know that I vowed to each of them they will always know how special they are each and every day. Know that I am grateful you had them and did not abort them. Thank you for giving them the gift of life. I am blessed to have them here. I am blessed to be their forever mom.

I may never know the answers to these questions. And I guess I will be ok with that. I am thankful God placed each of them in my arms. I am thankful He had a plan for them when life throw them a curve ball. I pray for you and your life choices. I pray things start to look up and help is received.

I will continue to pray for you I know the circumstances where not what either of us planned but because of you I am mom to my beautiful chaos. We are forever connected in God’s great plan.

From our beautiful chaos to yours its okay to question the unknown but dont get stuck there.Someday you may get the answers you are looking for. Until then just have faith in God’s greater plan.