Looking Back on 2018

Happy New Year!!

Hello everyone.

Can you believe it’s 2019?! Where in the world did 2018 go? I guess the Gretchen Rubin saying is true, The days are long but the years are short. 

As we settled in for a night of movies, popcorn, pepperoni rolls, and giggles with the littles I could not help but look back at what the past year looked like for our family. What a difference one year makes.

Last January we were in Tennessee. We were fostering a beautiful little girl. She fit in perfectly with our little loves. That was actually her second time with us. Man I miss her sweet smile, the sounds she made while she slept, and the way she took in everything around her. I am happy she is now with family members that can care for her the way she needs to be. For a moment we thought she was meant to be ours, God had other plans for her and for us. So we will continue to pray for her, her parents, and those taking care of her. Baby Peaches will forever be in our hearts.

In March she went to live with her grandmother, and our lives went back to our normal. The kids were doing well in school. My husband was busy at work. All in all things seemed to going well. I became a published author in March. Beautiful Chaos Our Story about Foster Care, Adoption, Faith and Love hit Amazon (and some bookshelves) on March 14. I never thought it would happen, but it did. It finally did. Some dreams are meant to be reality. In March my mom and I were able to attend a Women of Joy conference. Powerful messages and wonderful worship filled three amazing days. While there I had the pleasure of meeting Lisa Harper in person. Her testimony is so touching. Her books are amazing. Being able to give her a copy of my book and get a copy of her book was amazing.

In April we welcomed a very tiny sick little boy into our home. It was just for a week until his grandmother could get things in order at her house so she could care for him at her home. It just happened to be the week of Easter. What a perfect week to have him with us. He was able to attend one of the most memorable Easter services I have ever been to. He was prayed for and prayed over by our pastor and his wife. And even though he was only with us a week he too will have a place in our hearts. Its not about the amount of time we spend with someone, its about what we share in that time that matters.

May brought about a trip with my oldest daughter and my momma. The previous Christmas Sierra and I surprised my mom with a tickets as one of her presents. My mom, recently retired, had always wanted to take a cruise but was never able to go. My dad does not care for the ocean so Sierra and I decided we would take her and make it a girls only trip. We had a blast. Seeing my mom so happy and excited was truly one of the highlights of my year. Maybe we can make it a yearly thing? Maybe.

My mom, daughter, and I sailing to the Bahamas

May also changed things. My father in law was not doing well. I’ve said it before and I will say it again cancer sucks. He was fighting a losing battle and time with him we knew was growing short. My husband and I started talking about moving back home but it was not as simply as “just moving home”. The thought of taking JR out of his school scared us. I knew our other little loves would adjust fine, but him, we worried about him. His needs are much different than theirs. We prayed and talked and talked some more trying to figure out what was best for all of us.

June we received a call for a little girl and welcomed her into our home. She was a bundle of joy. Always laughing and by far the best sleeper we had in a long time. Our little loves loved having her with us.

I was not feeling the best and after talking with my doctor I was scheduled for a hysterectomy in mid June. During the pretesting the doctor discovered something wrong. It appeared that I had had a mild heart attack. I was floored. I’m only 42. The doctor had more tests ran and it was later determined that it was not a heart attack just a heart issue (still not completely sure what happened or what the issue actually was.) But truly thankful whatever it was God saw fit to fix it. Thank you Jesus!

With my health scare and Todd’s dad sick we made the decision to move back home. We needed to be closer to our families. I brought the kids up and they spent most of the summer at my parents home. I would travel back and forth between to two states. We still had our foster daughter and she had visits and meetings we could not miss. When we knew for sure we would be moving (still in the middle of all my testing on my heart) we discussed her case with her caseworker, her GAL (guardian at litem) and her mom. The decision was made that she would be placed in another foster home where she could continue to thrive while her mom worked her plan to get her back. It was with a heavy heart we had to let her go. The day I dropped her off to her new foster family was hard. We did not plan for her stay with us to end like it did. Last I heard she is doing great and her mom is working hard on things to one day have her back. I pray all works out.

August arrived before we knew it and we closed on our new house, the day before school started. Talk about crazy timing. Todd was still working in TN, traveling back and forth to see us and his dad. School brought about new schools, new teachers, new everything for our kids. It was a difficult time but thankfully everyone is adjusting well now.

October we celebrated Halloween. We had the Ghostbusters along with the Marshmallow man and the cutest little Dale Jr I’ve ever seen. That would be the last time the kids and I would see my father-in-law. It is still so hard to believe he is gone. I am thankful for the memories he gave to my kids, to me. He was truly an special man.

November is a blur. That’s when our world changed forever. When Jesus called him home. He fought a hard fight. We went through the motions at Thanksgiving. I cooked. I wanted my mother in law’s Thanksgiving to go as smoothly as possible. My orders from my seven year old were to make sure she was happy. JR knows she misses him for he too misses his papaw. They were inseparable. Not a day has went by he has not asked about him or how he can get to him.

December my husband was able to finally move home. After our TN house sold and things at his work slowed down he was able to transfer back up here. Having him home has been the best gift. We are once again under one roof. We are stronger when we are all together. Christmas was a busy time, with our five little loves and our daughter and her boyfriend, and our son and his girlfriend, our house was filled with laughter and presents. Lots of presents. There were laughs and some tears, but over all we had an okay Christmas. We missed papaw’s laugh and smile, I guess that’s something we always will.

2018 brought about many changes for us. Life is about change. We must learn to live life and love the people we are surrounded by. We must forgive others and forgive ourselves. We must be patient with what’s going on and see where God leads us. In 2018 we made some new friends (stopped talking to a few). We discovered we are stronger than we realized and our faith grew. Our hearts were broken and tears we shed many times, but through it all we had each other. I am not sure what 2019 will hold for us. And that is the beauty of change. My prayer is that whatever life throws at us in the new year we learn from it, we grow from it, we are blessed by it, and we embrace it. Through it all may God keep us and guide us all the way.

From our beautiful chaos to yours, May 2019 be a very blessed and exciting year.

Check out my book over on my website at beautifulchaosmomma.com or on Amazon https://www.amazon.com/Beautiful-Chaos-Story-Foster-Adoption/dp/1973619784/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1546358274&sr=8-3&keywords=beautiful+chaos+paperback

Just checking in

Hello all,

I’ve been away for a little while, I apologize for that. I hope all is well with everyone.

This summer has been crazy. I won’t go into all the details but let’s just say I appreciate all the prayers for my close few and all of you out there that noticed I wasn’t here.

So many things have changed in a short amount of time. So quick, so unexpected.

I am a firm believer that God has a purpose for our lives and two years ago that purpose landed us in Bristol TN. The thought of leaving home back then scared me more than I care to admit. Our time there flew by.

We did not plan on being foster parents while there, but God always has a plan. We became friends with some amazing people and through those people conversations about the need for foster parents took place. People saw us as a normal family, not as the crazy family that adopted those kids. Our children were just children, not adopt kids out of foster care. We were free to be who we are. Maybe our time there was meant to get people talking about just that, foster care kids are normal kids.

We were able to help a few more little loves enter and exit our home while here (because our seven was not enough in God’s eye). With each one we opened our hearts so they could be broke again in order for these precious little ones to know what love was, to know what a family felt like, for them to know it’s ok to feel scared, angry about the situation. I would have my heart broke over and over again even knowing what I know now about their situations. They deserve to know someone out there cares. Foster care is hard but I would not change what we do.

We still had baby N when life happened. I don’t pretend to know why things happen, but they do happen and life takes a turn. After much prayer over the situation my husband and I decided moving back to our home State was what was best for our family. Moving during the school year would not be good for our children especially for our son with autism. So the move had to be made over the summer. This meant saying goodbye to baby N. She would not be going back to her momma, she would have to be placed in another foster home. My heart sank. I ran over different scenarios in my head trying to come up with a solution for her to stay with us until her momma could get her back, any solution. There was only two options: 1) she be placed in a different foster home or 2) her mom sign her over. I knew which one would happen. Handing her off to another foster mom just about killed me. I’m sure she is adjusting well, but I so miss her. I wanted to be the one cheering her mom along, helping her get her life back together so she could get her little one back. I wanted to be there, but life happens. I pray she knows how much she was loved by us. It’s times like this I want to question Why God, Why? Why did You bring her into our lives if we were only going to have to say goodbye so soon? I don’t know that answer, I just have faith that it was part of His plan.

We are so thankful to be back around family, yet we miss the “community family” we had down there. How did such a short time there change us so much?

I pray we accomplished what God wanted us to do there. I don’t know what this move has in store for us I pray we continue do follow His path for us. I pray we see His plan clearly and that we don’t hesitate in doing what He asks of us. I pray our children (as well as us) adjust well to their new surroundings and that they make friends quickly. I pray over the little things and the giant things. I pray continuously about this move and all it entails.

I will forever cherish the friendships I made there. I am forever thankful for those little loves that called us Momma C and Daddy T while there. I am so thankful I was there to see so many eyes open up about the need for foster parents. I know so many children will benefit from those opened hearts and homes. Two years ago Bristol was an unknown land, today and all my tomorrows it will be my home away from home. ❤️

I Saw You Today

I saw you today but could not say a word. You have grown since I last held you in my arms. You look like you’re doing well. I heard your grandma bragging that you are trying to roll over, she looks tried but her face lights up as she talks about how far you have come. She will never know who I am, and I’m ok with that. She did thank us though your caseworker when you went to stay with her. I’m sure it’s hard on her knowing her own child put you through this, I know she is grateful you came to us until she could get you home (she told your worker that). I wish I could have asked her to send me updates on your progress or if she would care to send me a picture every now and then. But I’m just a part of your story no one wants to talk about. Foster care is hard sometimes.

I will never know who you turn out to be. And that is hard. You will forever be our little guy. Sometimes we get to watch, thanks to social media, how our little loves are doing, we cherish the friendships that have come from the dark spots of foster care. Not all forever homes are willing to allow us to continue to be apart of our little loves lives and even though that’s hard it’s part of foster care.

So I will cherish our time we had together. I will remember how you giggled as I tickled your feet, how you loved to be held as you fell asleep, and how you fit in my arms. Those are our moments. You will forever be part of my heart and a part of our family. And who knows maybe one day we will see each other again, and just like today I will smile from afar. I’m so happy God placed us in your path to get you to your forever home. I am so thankful He called us to be your foster parents. Moments like today make it all worth it.

Blessed to be a foster momma even on the hard days ❤️

A Little Time for Me

Hello everyone, it’s been a little while. I took a few days (weeks) off from my blog to prepare for all that this summer will hold.

My little loves are now on summer break. We don’t have any major vacation plans so that means for the next few months the majority of my time will be spent at home with our kiddos. So far the first week of their summer break we have spent most of our time inside due to the massive amount of rain we are receiving. Needless to say they are ready for some prettier days so we can be outside. I’m ready. Bring. It. On.

We have all heard the saying In order to care for others we must first take care of ourselves. I for one am not the type of mom that normally goes off to do “fun things” without her husband and children in tow. But this year I took some time for me before our summer actually began. Before the judgement starts let me explain.

My mother has always wanted to go on a cruise. So with her recent retirement and her birthday in mind, my oldest daughter and I planned a Girls Trip for just the three of us. We gave her a photo of the ship for Christmas and giggled as she thanked us awkwardly for the piece of paper. When we explained to her what the paper represented she was in tears. For the next few months my oldest and I planned out the details of the trip to ensure my mom’s first cruise was a success. And it was. From the moment we left the house, to seeing mom see the ship for the first time, to her birthday drink, to her clogging to the country karaoke, to celebrating a young couples engagement and everything in between it was a wonderful trip. I’m so thankful we took it together. I needed some time to just be Crystal and not “that mom of seven” or “the foster mom”

We returned home and my little loves were on their first day of summer break. My wonderful husband, amazing dad, and fantastic son took care of the little ones while I was cruising the Bahamas. I could not ask for a better support system.

When I returned home I was hit with news from not one but two of my doctors offices. News I knew was coming but had kept to myself and tried not to think about it. First I was given my date for my hysterectomy. Mid June. I can do that. And then the insurance company finally approved my next round of injections for my spine, also in June. As I made preparations for both I could not help but think how perfectly timed our girls trip was. I needed that trip to just be me and relax and not worry about all the chaos in our lives. I needed that time so I can be the best me I can be for my kids, my husband, and my family.

As a wife and mom my job is to take care my husband and our children. I can’t do that if I don’t take care of me first. I know things will be fine, I have the best doctors around. And I know that there are far worse things going on in the world, even in our family, that God needs to focus on. I don’t worry about me I worry about how things will affect our family. I guess that’s normal. The next few weeks are going to be crazy around here. Definitely not the summer I had planned but it’s what we have been dealt and we will make the best of it. Together.

It’s important for moms (and dads) to take a little me time every now and then. Most of us can’t take vacations all the time, and even if you can I’m sure your children go with you. I’m just saying it important to spend some time by yourself, come think about it I still had my twenty three years old with me so I was technically not childless but you get my point. I do take a few minutes each day for me. Read a book, watch the sunrise, sip a Dr Pepper and eat a donut in the bathroom, read a devotional, go to the bedroom and just sit in the quiet, or whatever you need to do just make sure you take a few minutes to focus on you. Your husband and kids will thank you. Be the mom you want to be and the your kids deserve. I hope everyone enjoys their summer. Time to go watch a movie with my little loves. Until next time,

TAKE CARE OF YOU! You are smart, you are loved, you are beautiful inside and out, you deserve to be the best you you can be❤️

Autism Isolation

As autism awareness month comes to an end, I can’t help but look at our family life. Autism is not something we think about just in the month of April, we live it every day.

The wind is a little chilly but the sun is shining bright. Our little loves were eager to get outside and enjoy all our backyard had to offer. We don’t go to public parks much especially on pretty days. They are normally to crowded for our little guy. The noise can be to much for him and trying to keep him safe while allowing the others to play freely is stressful. The stares and the whispers from the other patrons should not get to me, but it does. So our backyard is our sanctuary. Here he is safe and here our other four can run and play and I don’t have to worry.

Four are dressed in their play clothes while one is in his standard pajamas. It maybe 70 degrees outside but you will always find him in his magic long sleeved flannel pajamas. They are his safety net at home. While our other little loves run and play tag he sits on the sidewalk lining up his cars. He seldom looks up, but when he does it’s for a quick Look Momma look what I did. He loves his cars. He spends hours lining and relining them up. He is perfectly happy doing so.

Today, while we played ball with our youngest daughter, JR came over to watch. We tossed the ball back and worth to our two year old and she giggled as it bounced down the hill. Out of nowhere JR decided to engage and went after the ball. He laughed as he throw it to his dad and giggled as he tried to kick it. For the next ten minutes he played with us and it was wonderful. It was perfect. Then just as quickly as he had joined in he stopped and returned to his cars.

Autism is so isolating at times. I truly believe he wants to be part of everything, he simply can’t. We have had people tell us, Just take him out or Just make him go he will get over it? As if they think we don’t want to go out and do things. But the truth is his happiness and wellbeing are important to us. We know what he can handle and what he can’t. Days that we can make it to church as a family, or trips to the grocery store without a meltdown are considered victories in our house.

If the outside world just took a few minutes to get to know our little guy they would see how truly wonderful he is. He is the sweetest most loving little guy you could ever meet. He is the best big brother to his two year old sister and he loves to cuddle babies. At his school he is known as the hugger because as everyone comes through the doors he is there to welcome them with one of his giant bear hugs. He is not less because of autism he is so much more.

As a mom I love days where we have moments like today. To hear him laugh and to see him run and interact with his siblings is something I will never take for granted. Today was a good day and for that I am truly thankful.

JRs superpower is autism, what’s yours?

Side note:

Thanks to everyone who has bought my book Beautiful Chaos Our Story about Foster Care, Adoption, Faith and Love. If you haven’t done so yet you can go over to the new website at http://www.beautifulchaosmomma.com and pick up a copy. My prayer is that our story inspires others to become foster/ foster to adopt parents.

I’m a Kid too… A Foster Child’s Point of View

I am more than a foster child.  I’m a kid too.

I could be a newborn, a toddler, or a teen or maybe somewhere in between.

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I may arrive at noon or in the middle of the night.

My clothes might be to small or not fit me just right. 

I’m full of emotions. I could be shy, angry, frightened, or scared. I could be crying, withdrawn, and may even avoid eye contact.

I may be hungry I may be cold. 

School could be hard for me.  New place, new faces, new friends, and new rules.

Don’t judge me because I am in foster care…

                                                          I’M A KID TOO!!!

I laugh 

I sing 

I play 

I dance

I like sports.

I like music.

I like hanging out with friends.

I like watching cartoons.

I like to eat ice cream 

I like to play video games

I like going to the movies 

I need to feel safe

I need food in my tummy

I need to feel wanted

I need a warm place to sleep

I need to feel excepted

I need to know I am not alone

Above all, I need to be loved.  After all I am a kid too.

There are over 700,000 children in foster care across the United States, over 100,000 of them are waiting to be adopted.  These children are dealing with things that most adults could not handle and yet they are expected to “deal with it”  They don’t want to be seen as ‘”the foster child”, they want to be seen as a kid.  Don’t assume that because he or she is in foster care they are a bad kid.  Most children in foster care are in the system because of what their parents or caregivers done NOT because of their own actions. All they want is to feel safe and know that someone is looking out for them.  They want a normal life just like every other child does.  Let them have that life.  Let them be little.  Let them live a life without labels.  Let them be a KID ❤

 

 

 

I can’t live a “What If” life

The last few weeks have been full of questions. Will we foster again? Will we stop? Will she come back? Being a foster parent is emotionally draining.

I ran into someone today while taking our new little guy to the doctor. We made small talk and then she asked “Well what if baby Peaches comes back into state custody? What will you do then?”

What if? Such a small question with a huge meaning. We can’t live in a what if world. Do we miss Peaches? Yes, we miss her terribly. Do I wish she would come back to us for a third time? Yes. But that’s not how foster care works. My wants are just that mine, they are not part of the big picture. My part in this is to love them while they are here. To protect them, feed them, hold them, sing with them, and pray with them. If I lived in a what if world then I would not have my Wild Man. Without him we would not have his half siblings. What if we would have waited to see if Sweet Syd, or Fanni, or Chasers, or Princess E or Princess N were coming back? Did part of me wish they would come back? Yes, when you love someone you never want to see them leave and you catch yourself thinking what if they were still here? What would our lives be like? What if they do come back into State care? Will the worker call me like they promised? Or was that just a lie? We would not have meet half of the children we have and our family would not be who we are today if we focused on all the what if’s.

And for the record; We are not replacing any of them in our hearts. I know we can’t save them all, but just like the little boy on the beach throwing the starfish back on the ocean we can safe one more. Choosing to reopen our home after a child is reunified with family or moved to their forever home is one of the hardest decisions we have to make, it does not mean we are heartless. In fact it’s quite the opposite. As much as our hearts ache for those little ones we know we were just a small part of God’s big plan for them. We also know that there are other children that need us. With children coming into the system every single day the need will never go away. We miss the ones that have been in our home we miss their smiles, their giggles, their snuggles, and their presence in our home. But God had a different plan for all of us.

If we focus on all the What if’s we will never be able to move forward. Do I worry what this is doing to my children? Yes, all the time. I pray that they will see we are only doing our part in helping Gods plan unfold for these precious children. I pray that one day they look back and remember how much Love was in our home. I pray they grow up and find their place is Gods Story. I pray they learn to love others and hope they serve others when they are older. I pray we not only shape their lives but also he lives that come through our home.

If we would have focused on the what if I would not be here rocking this little guy to sleep tonight. His time with us will be short but while he is here he will be loved. He will receive my whole heart just as she did. He will know he is safe. And that is how it is meant to be.

Beautiful Chaos is now AVAILABLE!!!

Hello everyone,

For those of you who have been following the release of my first book Beautiful Chaos Our Story about Foster Care, Adoption, Faith and Love, the wait is over!! It is now available.

I want to thank all of you who have supported this project in some way. For those that helped me fund the project THANK YOU!! For those that have prayed for the book and for me Thank you!! For those that gave me the encouragement to get it started and then to get it completed Thank you!! I am truly humbled by what is taking place.

Thank you to my beautiful family for allowing me to share a glimpse of our life with the world. Thank you to my wonderful husband who not only lives this crazy life with me but also has had to listen to me over the last few months give him play by play details as our story became a book reality. Mostly I want to thank God for allowing us to be a small part in His beautiful masterpiece. He has allowed us to be part of some many lives on this foster care adventure. He has been my comfort when a child is placed back with a birth parent or relative, He has been my guide when I did not know what to do, He has been my protector when situations have become unsafe, but above all He has been my friend that has walked with me every step of the way. To You oh Lord, be ALL the glory.

This book is for you!

If you have ever thought about becoming a foster parent or have ever wondered what it takes to foster a child, if you have ever thought about adopting, or if you have ever questioned your plan in Gods story I encourage you to read our story. My hope is that it inspires at least one person/one family to open their heart to the idea of becoming foster parents. If one child gains a safe place to lay his or her head at night then everything struggle and every worry in making this book a reality was worth it. It’s all about the kids. Always

You can find the book at the following websites:

WestBowPress.com

Barnes & Noble

Amazon

Check it out and let me know what you think

From our beautiful chaos to yours, may you find a way to make your mark In this great big world. One act of kindness at a time

Grieving a Foster Child

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I looked over at the empty crib and tears ran down my face. I need to take it down but my heart is just not ready. Being a foster mom hurts sometimes.

We loaded up the van this morning and headed off to church, daddy T and I both had this empty feeling we were forgetting something. But we were not, you are no longer here. Being foster parents brings sadness sometimes.

As I washed up last weeks laundry I ran across your favorite outfit and I lost it. Tears ran down my face and all daddy T could do was hold me and tell me everything would be alright. But he too had tears in his eyes. Being a foster parents is painful sometimes.

The kids have looked for you since you left, Wild Man does not understand why you are not here and keeps saying Momma go get Baby P bring her home please. I force a smile and tell him you are so happy at your new home and that I’m sure you are doing just fine. But my mind races and wonders if you are ok and if you are safe. Being a foster mom makes one worry sometimes.

I found myself wide awake at 2 am, that was our one on one time. I wonder if you were awake and thinking to yourself where is she? Why is she not singing to me? Why is she not holding me? Again I find the tears rolling down my face. I grab your favorite blanket, I’ve not washed it yet so it still smells like you, and I cry myself to sleep. Foster care is not easy sometimes.

In all our years of fostering we have had to say goodbye to many little loved. You my little love have been to hardest to let go. God blesses us not once but twice to be part of your story. We know that reunification or placement with a family member is always the priority, but when you came back to us we could not help but dream. I allowed myself to see you as part of our forever family. I allowed my mind to dream of first days of school and dances and family outings. I allowed myself to go where no foster parent mind should ever go. I saw our future and you were in it. This journey can be cruel sometimes.

So I didn’t see it coming. As I sat there in the courtroom listening to the judge I heard words I did not want to hear. I was not prepared for the change of events. I went in thinking you would be here forever and left with an hour to pack all your things for you to leave. Being a foster parent is heart wrenching sometimes.

But that’s how this goes. The system is not perfect and I pray those that do not know you those that have never held you those that do not love you like I do I hope they have made the decision God would have made. I pray He looks after you and keeps you safe. I pray He gives you comfort and that you feel Him near you. I pray you will always know how much we love you.

If we would not have stepped out in faith and followed Gods plan for us we would have never met you. We would have never seen your smiling face. We would have never held you or seen you crawl. We would have never falling in love with you. Being a foster parent is beautiful sometimes.

We will grieve for you and we will miss you. We will find things through the house over the next few weeks (maybe months) that will remind us of you. It will be painful but also such a blessing. For these things will remind us of YOU. A smile will cross my face and I will get to dream of you again. And that will make me happy. Foster parenting can be a blessing sometimes.

If we open our home again to the next little one who needs us, we are not replacing you. You could never be replaced. We are just answering Gods call to help one more. But that decision has not been made; for now we will just take time to heal from losing you.

Fostering is not for the weak but in our weak moments God gives us comfort and strength to carry us through. Thank you Jesus for allowing us to be part of her life over the last six months. Thank you for allowing us to see her smile and hear her laugh. But mostly thank you God for being You. Thank you for allowing us to be your hands and feet. To You oh Lord be the glory.

The Worry of the Unknown

I lay here in bed and I can hear her stir in the crib. She whimpers for just a moment then she finds her bottle. My mind takes me to the day I picked her up from the hospital. Where has the time gone?

I could never do what you do, I would love them and not want to give them back. Why put yourself through the pain of losing them? You’ve done your part let someone else do it now. You are such a blessing/saint to do what you do. You must be nuts to take in another kid. Aren’t you afraid you will become to attached? I have heard these questions or variations of them for the last eight years. My reason I do what I do is sound asleep in her crib. Her tummy is full, her clothes fit her and they have been freshly washed. She giggles at the sound of my voice and she is already saying da da. She squeals with delight as our children play around her. She is safe and she is loved; oh so loved. This is normal for her, we are all she knows. Here she is surrounded by love from our children and love from us. The idea that it could all change with the next meeting hangs over us. But that’s foster care.

No one said it would be easy, if it were there would be more people willing to step up. I’m not heartless I feel pain. Over the years as children have come and gone from our home my heart as felt the sting of a broken system. We don’t just love the child while they are in our home, they become a piece of our hearts. And once they are gone that piece never quite heals. They will forever be part of us, part of God’s masterpiece for our lives for He allowed us to love them for a season.

Baby girl does not know what my worries are about things coming up. She does not understand that her fate will be decided by someone who has never met her, or held her, or seen her smile. Her life is in the hands of people that see her as a case number. They are not the ones who have rocked her to sleep, or kissed a boo-boo, or heard her laugh. But God knows her and He loves her.

She may never remember any of the things that led up to her coming to us. She may be here one day and gone the next. Will it hurt, YES it will, but God has a plan for her. I don’t know what her future holds but I know who holds it. And it is His Will, not ours, that we must follow.

I would not trade my time with any of our fosters for anything. I grew as a person with each placement. I can only hope they remember the love we have for them as they go on with their new lives.

As for this sweet little one we will take it day by day. The months have passed so quickly but these next few days will drag by as we wait. Foster care as taught me so many things one is a huge lesson on patients. Lord help me, guide me and protect her this week.

Until then I will hold her, I will protect her and love her as my own. I am a foster mom