Phrases I Never thought I would Say

“Because I’m your mother that’s why.”  And “Because I said so” and we can’t forget “I don’t care who started it, I’m going to finish it” Oh how I hated those phrases as I  was growing up.  What did they even mean? Why did it matter? Both logical questions for a child to ask when mom was yelling one of these at the top of her lungs out of frustration.  I will never say those things to my child when I’m older said my younger self.  Guess what younger me?  You lied to yourself.  Liar liar pants on fire.  
Last week I found myself saying these very phrases to my little loves.  With my husband way on business I was out numbered and on a few occasions stressed to the max, as my daughter would say. After finding myself locked in my bathroom for a few minutes of peace I could not help but think about my younger days when I told myself I would never say those things to my kids.  I now understand, sometimes you just get so overwhelmed you say things that don’t really make sense to the conversation. But you say them just hoping they work. Hoping your kids don’t continue the arguement or the behavior. So Mom, I’m sorry for all those times when bub and I got you to that breaking point. I get it now, I mean I really get it.  And while I thought about these phrases another list popped in my head. If your a mom admit it, we all say things that are a bit odd from time to time. So here are a few things I thought I would never say, but have some more than once:

* No you may not wear “paghetti” on your head

* Toilet water is not okay to use for tea parties

* No you may not lick my armpit 

* Crayons do not go in the dogs butt 

* Yes you must wear pants, we can’t run around naked 

* No we can not trade your brother in for a new one because he “looked at you” funny

*Stop barking at your sister

* I know I’m the meanest mommy ever but your stuck with me sorry

* The rug in your room is not your personal bathroom

* No we can’t play the burp game till someone throws up

*You put your dirty underwear where?!

* If you can’t lick my armpit I’m pretty sure you can’t lick my feet 

* You know we don’t eat things off the floor…. it’s the last cookie? Fine just stop crying 

* Mommy put herself in timeout ask me again in 5 minutes 

*You used my lipstick as a marker because you ran out of pink….awesome

* No jumping on your bed also meant no jumping on your brothers bed

*You wiped your own butt yeah!! You used a whole roll of toilet paper? where’s the plunger 

* Toothpaste should not be used as shampoo to turn your hair blue

* You need me to cover your feet with the blanket that’s in our hands? 

* No I don’t want to see how far you can get your finger up your nose

*Is that brownie in your hair or is that…..omg go to the bathroom now don’t touch anything

* No we can go fishing for matchbox cars in the toilet

* Wait why would we need to fish matchbox cars out of the toilet????

Oh the joys of little ones.   Never dull Never boring always entertaining 

From our beautiful chaos to yours what are some things you’ve said to your little loves that you never imagined would come out of your mouth?

Adoption ~Overwhelming Love

via Daily Prompt: Overwhelming

“Adoption is a beautiful thing”, I have heard this phrase time and time again, from people who have never adopted.  And while they are correct adoption is beautiful, it is so much more than that.

Its easy to say things like that or ” I am so proud of you for doing what you do” or “I don’t know if I could love someone else’s  child as my own kudos to you”  But what we really need are people willing to take a stand and open their hearts and homes to children in need.

When I was younger I knew I wanted a large family.  But do to circumstances out of my control, I was only able to have two children. Now, I know there are people out there that want children and can not have them so I am very thankful God saw fit to bless me with my two oldest. Being their mom has brought me so much joy. I accepted the fact I was unable to have more children and moved on, raising them as best that I could.  However shortly after I married my second husband I started thinking about the sounds of little feet again and it made my heart sad.  He had never been married and never had children.  He was a natural father to my two ( at that time a preteen and teen) but I could not help but feel bad that he would never experience the joys (yes joys) of 2am feedings, the smell of a newborn, the sound of a babies laugh, and the countless other things that make parenting a blessing.  So we prayed about it, I knew we could not have a child the “old fashion way”but there where other avenues we could pursue. That’s when we found out about adoption through foster care.

Straight adoption can be extremely expensive.  And while we wanted a child we wanted to be able to afford things after the adoption was final. Sounds crazy I know but the average adoption can cost over $45,000 dollars. Adoption through foster care normally costs nothing but filling fees (depending on your state anywhere between $200 and $400) the state covers the rest. I called our local DHHR and inquired about being foster to adopt parents.  By far one of the best life changing calls I have ever made.  Fostering opened up our eyes and hearts to a world, many do not fulling understand.  Not all the children in foster care are there because of that they did, in fact most are placed in state care because of things their parents did.  The system can be challenging to deal with but the outcome is so worth it. Dealing with court dates, parent improvement periods, and visitation plans can be aggravating but helping a child overcome the most stressful time in their young life is worth all of it.   Over the past six years we were Momma C and Daddy T to over 20 children.  It is hard to fall in love with a child to only have that child reunified with their birth parents or to be placed in another adoptive home if they do not blend well with your family, but then there are times that you get to say “Yes we want to be their forever family”  And thanks to God we have been able to say this three separate times allowing us to adopt our five little ones, four of which are half siblings. They would not be together if we had not followed our hearts and adopted them. God made a way for us to have our large family.

We have been blessed to make wonderful new friends with other foster to adopt parents.  So many children finding their forever families all because someone thought they were worth it.  Children in foster care are not any different than children who are not in care.  They still want someone to love them, to make them feel safe, to feed them, to play ball with them, and to play dress up with them.  Yes many have been through some terrible things but deep down they just want to be a child loved by someone.  I do feel bad for the birth parents, however if you have been given chance after chance to get off the drugs, or to take anger management classes or whatever the reason was that the child was taken away and still can’t manage to do it then the child deserves a family that can provide a good life for them.

Today a dear friends of mine will be adopting be adopting their little girl.  And I could not be happier for them.  This past summer was filled with friends and family adopting little ones, my heart was overwhelmed with excitement was our extended family grow in size through the process of adoption.

So yes adoption is a beautiful thing.  Adoption is overwhelming love.  Adoption is everything to a child in need.  Adoption made our family complete.  Is adoption the answer for you? Pray about it, think about, ask questions about it.  Adoption is a blessing.

 

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Our first Forever Family Day Welcome Diva and Wild man 9/20/2013

 

 

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Our second forever family day  Welcome Big Al and Elmo 6/17/2015

 

 

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Our third forever family day 6/28/2016

Thankful for one more day


Just when I feel I cannot go one more step God gives me a beautiful day and whispers “You’ve got this. We will get through this together”. Thank you Lord for one more day.

This week has had its share of ups and downs.  My husband has been away training for his new job position since Sunday so that means its been me and our five little loves here at home. Just me and them.  The first night was not so bad, they are use to daddy working late so to them it was nothing. They worked with me so that dinner and their bedtime routine went well. Then morning came. Daddy was still not here and diva insisted on him taking her to school (that’s their morning routine) when I broke the news to her, again, that daddy was away and that I would be taking her to school our peaceful weekend came to a screeching or should I say screaming stop.   I was reminded that I was not her dad and that I do not do things the way dad does.  I’m use to this argument so I gathered up her little brothers and little sister placed them in the car and then carried her to the car kicking and screaming.  I’m sure if our neighbors were not up they were by the time I finally got her loaded.  The rest of the week has not went any better.  But tomorrow is almost here.

 

By yesterday I was really questioning myself.  Sure I am use to taking care of them but as the week as slowly past by I wonder how well I’ve done.  We have not been late to school nor did diva miss dance class Wednesday but I did opt out of going to church last night.  I really miss not being there but I thought I would play it safe and keep our little loves home instead of trying to hold five little hands while walking across the crowded parking lot.  So we had church here.  We played some music video’s and got our praise on and then watched a video that our old church had streamed on social media.  The kids enjoyed it because they got to see their cousins and I enjoyed hearing an old familiar voice.  Not exactly like our new small group, but it worked.  I could have taken the easy way out . I could have had my in-laws or my parents come down and help out but after thinking about it my husband and I decided against it.  It’s not that I didn’t want them here it’s just it would have thrown off our new routine and really messed with the boys especially wild man.  He can’t handle change. Having them coming and going all week would have lead to more than one major meltdown for sure.  So even though I was not sure how I was going to do this on my own we decided it was best that I did.

The one thing  I discovered this week is that I am strong enough to do this on my own, well with the Lord’s help. I did not think I would find “me time” this week but I have.  I have still managed to get my devotional time in and still managed to get the kids to bed (may not have been exactly on time but they got there)  I found myself talking more to God during the days and the nights, asking Him for strength, for patience, and for more arms(holding five on ones lap has its challenges) This has been one of the most stressful weeks I’ve had since we moved here, but at the same time I have had more peace than normal.

While at small group last week I jokingly asked our group to pray for me this week.  I may have been joking but I could feel their prayers in my weakest moments. God knows what we need before we do and He sends His angels.  Yesterday we were having a pretty terrible day.  Diva had not behaved well at school and the boys had made one mess after another here at the house.  I felt beat down and defeated.  Dinner ended up being a “Fine whatever you want just eat something” meal.  Bedtime well lets just say Big Al was still up at 1 this morning with sleep nowhere in sight. But during all of the craziness one of my new friends from small group sent a text.  She had said something about bringing us dinner one day this week, but I had not put a lot thought into it.  But just as God had planned, she was seeing if today was a good day for her to bring us over dinner.  I told her she really didn’t have to do that, but she insisted and who am I to step on her ministry of kindness.  She told me that she would call me later and we would figure out the details. Perfect I thought. I drifted off to sleep sometime between 1 and 2 this morning dreading what the day would bring and praying that Friday would just get here already.

But then God gave me today.  My alarm went off at 5:45 just as it does every morning that my kids don’t wake me up before then.  I went downstairs and prepared wildman’s lunch for school and pulled out my devotional.  Today’s devotional message came from “Devotions for Women on the Go” and the reading for the day started out with this:

The key to overcoming has been the realization that God created me with ALL the tools I need to overcome all things if I rely on him to guide me to them”

Thank you Jesus for the word this morning.  God would see that this day was better than yesterday. So the day started.  We made it to school and to the grocery store without any major meltdowns.  Once home I was able to do some laundry and pick up the house some, then it was time to go back after wildman and diva.  Wildman’s bus driver said he had a great day according to his teacher and when I picked up diva she was smiling ear to ear.  She had a green day today, not just a green day but a “Great day green day”  (this has only happened one other time)  We made it home and finished homework all before our friend showed up with dinner.   Today was the complete opposite of yesterday.

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Dinner thanks to my wonderful new friends 

When our new friend dropped off dinner she smiled and said” I did not do this because I thought you weren’t capable I did this because I know you are more than capable and wanted you to know we think your awesome”

Man did I need to hear those words. I may not have it all together. And more days than not I find myself questioning my parenting skills but I am thankful that God has entrusted me to be the mother of seven wonderfully crazy kids.  That He has given me one more day to walk with Him and lean on Him to guide me along this path.  I am thankful for the sun that broke through the morning clouds and for the sounds of giggling this evening during dinner and bath times.  I am thankful that later I will have five little loves fighting over who gets to set on my lap and for the one who stays awake the longest so they get one on one snuggle time.  And I am thankful tomorrow is Friday and my husband will be home to share all of this with me.

From our beautiful chaos to ours not everyday is going to be great but if we are lucky  God will see fit to bless us with another day to make things better. Until then we must make the best of what we’ve got.

 

 

Part Mom/ Part Robot…sort of

The date Friday October 13, 2000 is one that will forever be remembered as the day that changed my everyday normal.  That morning started off as any day. I got up went to work, I processed medical and dental claims for an insurance company.  The day went by as any other normal Friday and at 4:30 my then husband was there to pick me up and take me home.  I had talked to my mom and we agreed to met up with her over at my grandmothers after we picked up the kids.  When we got there my mom was sitting in the living room, with my grandmother and my great grandmother, sipping coffee and watching television.  My kids, 5 and 2 at the time, quickly ran over and started passing out hugs.  My mom and aunt were going to a local fall festival the next day and asked if she could take the kids with her.  I told her that would be fine I just needed to run home and pack them an overnight bag.  We sat and ate a piece of cake, my grandmother insisted, before we went to go pick up the kids things and that’s when my 2 year old son spilled juice down the front of his shirt.  I grabbed a towel and dried him off as best as I could and gathered up our things to leave.  My mom quickly told me, “You can’t not take the baby out with a wet shirt in this weather” ( it was in the mid 60’s just for the record)  I tried to reason with her but she had back up both my grandmother and great grandmother.  Now I could argue with my mom but when it came to arguing with my grandmother or great grandmother that was something that just did not happen.  So I said fine and asked if they would mind watching him with we ran home. They also offered to watch our daughter while we were gone so instead of taking either child they both got an extended visit at grandmothers.    To this day I am thankful for the spilled juice on my sons shirt.

 

As we drove home we made plans for the evening seeing we would not have the kids.  We talked about our days and made other small talk.  We arrived at our driveway about 30 minutes later.  When we got to our driveway there was a few cars coming down the road so we had to stop and wait for the traffic to pass, and that’s when it happened.  I was saying something about going to dinner and I heard my then husband scream, “Hold on” before I could ask what a speeding truck slammed into the back of our car and came up the passenger side, my side.  The next few moments are somewhat a blur but I remember the fireman asking me where the baby was over and over.  I managed to get out “they are with my mom”  I was later told that my son’s car seat had been smashed up and under my seat from the impact.  If he had been with us he would not be here.  Thank you Jesus for spilled juice.

Over the last 16 years I have had countless shots in my back, arms, neck and legs stemming from this accident. The guy hit us goes 55 miles an hour, we were sitting still. All because he saw a dog running down the road.  I have had more nerve blocks, RFA’s (radio-frequency ablation) procedures and stellate ganglion block injections than I can count. And that does not count all of the other pain injections. I also have not one but two SCS (spinal cord stimulator) devices (one for my neck, upper back and arm and one for my lower back and left leg) that I have had implanted and replaced in six different surgeries.  The first SCS surgery was done in June 2004. The first SCS had a charger that needed to be plugged into the wall.  So every few days you could find me sitting in our oversized chair with the one end of the charger band wrapped around my waist and the other end plugged into the wall socket.  Yes, I said plugged into the wall socket.

wall outlet

The kids thought it was awesome that their mom was part robot. In fact they often had friends over and would ask “Mommy can you plug yourself in my friend does not believe you are part robot, please”  Now I’m not actually a robot but I if my kids thought it was cool why not go with it, right. I had spent a few years in so much pain I used a cane or walker to get around. At one point I was told I would be in a wheelchair by the time I was 35.  The stimulators gave me a way to have a life back. With them I was able to function, I was able to walk, and get around.  I was even able to write again. My left hand had so much nerve damage I could not hold a pen or pencil much less write with one. The downside was that the left side of my body now always tingled, by that I mean have you ever had your arm or leg fall asleep?  You know that annoying tingling sensation you get?  You try your best to shake it wake but you just can’t. Well for the last 13 years the left side of me body as felt like that, all day and all night. After about 6 years the first two stimulators had to be replaced, by that time technology had made big changes and the new units were rechargeable with a portable charger.  You plugged the charger into the wall charged it and then wrapped the portable charger around your waist and you could go and do whatever without being stuck at the wall socket for hours.  Much better, but still a sight to see. Jump forward to this past June it was surgery time again.  My stimulators needed their batteries replaced.  When I went in I was told that there had been another break through with the stimulator design and I would be getting new slightly smaller SCS units to replace the ones I currently had.  These would not require me to charge them (they have some kind of funky battery that does not require charging) and I would have an Iphone with an app to control the amount of electrical stimulation I would receive ( There’s seriously and APP for everything nowadays) and both units could run off the one phone.  I had the surgery and recovered well.  But over the last six months my left arm would just fall asleep. I could be doing anything like driving, or washing dishes, or fixing dinner and my arm would just stop working.  So yesterday at my 6 month post op appointment I asked the doctor about it. He said it could be a result of over stimulation and asked if I cared to see the programmer, I of course agreed.  The programmer came in and had me lay down on the exam table.  With he IPad hovering over my stomach, just like something you would see in an old Star Trek episode, he ran a scan.

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Photo from an episode of Star Trek  my dad still loves this show
 Why am I telling you all of this?  Because yesterday I was introduced to what they call BurstDR.  It is a new program where the electrical leads in my back can now send a message to my brain and tell my brain “This part of her body does not hurt”  it acts as a blocker.  For the first time since I had my stimulators placed my left side does not feel all tingly. It feels, well nothing.  I can turn my head without getting that little electrical shock because I moved to fast, I can hold my husbands hand without jerking, I slept without rolling over and getting that little jolt because I had my head in the wrong position.  For the first time in a very long time I feel almost normal. Like really normal.  Thank you Jesus for advances in medicine.  I was the first patient at my doctors office to have two stimulators so I am the first patient to have two stimulators running the new BurstDR program. Kind of neat I think.  If it was not for the SCS I would be in that wheelchair the doctors talked about 16 years ago.  But thankfully today, a little over 40, I can still stand on my over two feet.  I am so thankful for all that has been done for me to keep at the level of health I am at.  Nerve damage,arthritis, deterioration of the spine and RSD (Reflex sympathetic dystrophy) are not things you can physically see so many people assume I am OK. And I’m glad they do.  I don’t want people to feel sorry for me or take pity on me. I just want to be me. They don’t no the pain that I live with daily.  They are not here to see the mornings I can’t get out of bed or the days I can’t dress myself or the days it takes everything out of me to just wash my hair.  I don’t complain for if I did that’s all I would get done.  I hurt daily, but God is good. He has placed wonderful doctors in my path that have provided ways for me to function on a daily bases.  I am truly thankful.  And who knows, maybe one day I will be back to what society deems normal the advances are coming quickly in the medical field.  For now I am going to enjoy laying me head on my husbands shoulder and take in the complete beauty that I can do so without being shocked.  Robot mom 2.0 at her finest lol

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my wonderful husband and me
From our beautiful chaos to ours just because you can’t see someone else’s pain does not mean its not there.  We are all going through something some of us just choose to smile through it.

I can’t be the Person You need Me to be

A few weeks ago at church our family pastor talked about forgiveness.  The message was about not only forgiving others but also forgiving ourselves.  I found myself nodding along as he delivered the message and the idea behind the message stayed with me long after we left the church.

 

As we grow older I think its safe to say we change.  Our lifestyles change, our surroundings change, and the people in our lives change.  I truly believe God places certain people in our lives for seasons.  For instance, in my early twenties I had my friends who my then husband and I hung out with.  As we got older and our divorce was finalized those friends changed and so did my surroundings.  I did not go to the bars anymore. I did not hang out with the friends we had together anymore, some by my own choice others chose my ex over me, and I had to do some growing up.  Life is not always kind.

Then I met my new husband, well re meet  anyway.  If you’ve read any of my post then you know the story.  He and I went to high school together. He joined the military after high school and I married my high school boyfriend.  We were reintroduced to each other through a mutual friend and married in August 2009.  Our life has been non stop since then.  We had a fairly average wedding party, he had three of his best friends and my son on his side while I had three of my friends and my daughter on my side.  I look back at our wedding photos and wonder what ever happened to some of those we were pictured with that day.  We did not stop talking to them because we were mad or upset, life just got in the way.

During both of these times I had a few good friends.  I am not one to have hundreds of people I call “friend” in fact if you look at my facebook I may have around 300 people listed as friends but that’s because I am related to 80% of them (my mom comes from a large family in which most of them have large families of their own) I am a cautious person.  I have had a lot of bad things happen so I don’t trust others often.  It’s something I need to work on.  So if I am your friend I do trust you and try my best to be a good friend. But I am not a perfect friend.  I know that.

When my husband and I decided to become foster parents we did not realize just how much it would change our lives.  We slowly stopped going out to eat with others, we cut back on hanging out with our peers and we placed all of our focus on the kids. I could not just drop everything anymore to go to the movies, or have time for 2 hour phone calls, or time to go shopping, its easy to find a babysitter for one and in most cases two, but when you have four or five little loves running around babysitters are hard to find.  So one by one friends stopped calling or inviting us out.  And I get it.  I would stop calling too.  But then you have the true few.  You know who I’m talking about.  The ones that stop calling and just come over to your place to hang out with you and your kids.  Or like the ones we made while taking the foster parent classes because they too understand you can’t just drop everything and that life now revolves around our ever changing family.  There are a few who get that this is the new you, and they are okay with that.

 

So when we moved I had decided to weed out those I did not talk much to.  I personally didn’t think I would upset anyone the criteria was simple.  If I talked to you daily or weekly we were good.  If you commented or talked to me on social media anytime within the six months prior to me moving we were good.  I didn’t delete people because I didn’t like them I simply figured if we hadn’t had much interaction in six months they would not want their news feed full of pictures of my kids after we moved.  (trust me I post a lot of pictures for my parents and in-laws back home)

But the message from church got to me.  I started thinking about a few people that at one time had been really close friends with.  Some I had known since grade school, a few others I had meet along the way.  Many I didn’t talk to anymore simply because they had moved or life had taken them down a different path.  A few simply because we had had a disagreement about something and the friendship and we just stopped talking.  For whatever the reason there were a few people I missed and I wanted to reach out and try again. So I did.  I sent a few text messages, a few I added back to my friends list on social media and one I called.  I don’t really know what I was expecting but I can tell you I did not expect what I got.

I was accused of being a bad person and a fake friend.  I was told that I used people and did not truly care for anyone.  I was told that I only had time for those that were willing to drop everything to be at my beck and call.  I was told I never truly cared about their feelings or other people in general…….Smack in the face.  That hurt.  I don’t know what I was expecting but let me tell you that was not it.  This person was someone I had, and still do, wanted nothing but the best for.  Some of my actions during our friendship where done not to hurt them but to shield them. Maybe I was wrong in handling it the way I did.  I didn’t ask this person to watch my kids because I knew it would be to painful.  Maybe I did have others over more because they didn’t mind being around our kids.  I grew tired of trying to downplay my happiness because they were unhappy with things in their life.  I know life is not fair, and that sometimes the one thing we want more than anything is out of our reach.  For that i am sorry.  Truly truly sorry. I hope one day you find what you are looking for. I hope you find happiness and peace.  I wish you nothing but the very best.  I wish things were different and that we could go back to the way things use to be but I can’t be the person they want or need me to be.  I am happy and I will not pretend not to be.   I wish we could all be cheerleaders for one another instead of being hurt or jealous of others.  I can’t imagine what life would be like without my kids and for those that don’t have kids but want kids I can’t imagine your pain. If that makes me a bad person or a bad friend then I guess I am.

I have changed.  I am not the same scared twenty something girl who lived in constant fear of her abusive husband.  I am not the same thirty something woman that overcame her fear and tired to piece her life back together for her and her kids.  But guess what you have changed also. We all have. I will be the first to admit I am not always a good wife, a good mom, or daughter, or daughter in law  that makes me human.  I let the most important people in my life down daily but I’m trying to be better.  To the people I have hurt in my past I am sorry.  To those who simply think they can no longer be around me I am sorry.  For those that were there for me when I need them the most I thank you.  I know there are people I have let down and I hate that.  If I could go back and fix things I would.  But I can’t be the one that you are always upset with, the one you always cancel plans with, the one you get mad at, I can’t.  I need to surround myself with positive people.   Negativity only brings about negativity.  And yes I really do wish nothing but the best to you, hell I wish nothing but the best for my ex husband.  God has shown me that life is to short to be consumed with hate.  I have changed and I’m okay with that.

From my beautiful chaos to yours if God has closed a door in your life, keep it closed.  He allows us to walk through open doors for our good and closes off those we no longer need.  Enjoy the memories that cross your mind of the good times and smile, then keep moving forward.  Closed doors bring nothing but heartache.

 

 

One Proud Momma

Today I want to take a few minutes and talk about my oldest daughter and son.  With all our little loves, many times not on purpose, their achievements go unnoticed….but not today.

My daughter and me before the ceremony

This morning I woke up at 4am so I could drive four hours to watch my daughter receive a certificate. The whole “ceremony” if you want to call it that took less than five minutes.  Why in the world then did I drive four hours up and four hours back (actually longer my car decided to breakdown) to see this short ceremony?  Because that’s what moms do, we support our kids.

Thirteen years ago next month my oldest son, five at the time (let me let that sink in….sigh) wanted to start taking martial arts.  After much thought me and their father (now my ex) decided that if our son was going be in martial arts then our daughter would have to be also, so when he started fighting with her or using her to practice with she could hold her own. She was already in dance but agreed to try it out.  We looked around at different forms of martial arts and decided on Tae kwon do.  In February 2003 my kids took their first steps into the dojang.

They were naturals when it came to the forms and take downs, and of course my son loved the free fighting (my daughter not so much)  They quickly moved up in rank. Every three months there was a belt test and every three months they passed. Seeing them together working for something so hard still brings a smile to my face.  

My kids early on in their Tae kwon do career

In 2008 their father and I divorced. It was not an easy time in their lives and I worried how it would effect them.  The dojang, their friends there and their instructors helped them more at that time than I ever imagined. The head of the school Master R. Loved them as his own. He was a man they could look up to and one that they had respect for. He taught them more than just the ways of tae kwon do, he taught them lessons for life in general.  I’m not sure they would have stuck with it if it after the divorce if he and his wife had not been their to in courage them to keep moving forward. They helped save my kids from darkness. 

Then the unthinkable happened. Their  head instructor passed away unexpectedly.  One of the biggest influences in their lives (and in the lives of many) was gone.  The town was in shock, we are still in shock years later.  The fate of the school was unclear, his wife, my dear friend was dealing with so much no one expected her to continue. The students, parents and friends rallied together and keep the school going for her and for him until she could came back or  until she decided to close the doors. In time wife was able to make it back and continued where they had left off.

My daughter and Master R at one of the annual Christmas parties
 

A few years pass by and one Saturday in July came another belt test.  This test was special. For the first time in the schools thirty year history a female would test for fourth degree black belt.  She did her forms, her one steps, broke her boards and explained her thesis. With her brother,other black belts and lower ranking students surrounding her she passed the test.  I am sure Master R was looking down smiling on her that day.  Years of practice, sacrifice, discipline and determination had paid off.  She had made school history.  And together they are the highest ranking siblings at the school.   

My daughter and son before the test in July. They are the highest ranking siblings at the school

Today was the day she received her new belt and her certificate. So naturally I had to be there.  So yes I drove for hours to watch a ceremony that took less than 5 minutes, and I would do it again. Tae kwon do is not just a form of martial arts for her or my son. It is a way of life, it’s the way they live their lives.  They both have made me so proud. And I am sure as she received her certificate making her “officially” a 4th degree black belt 🥋 that Master R was looking down and smiling yet again.   So thankful for all he done for my kids and the other students while he was here. His legacy will carry on in those he taught. 

Mrs Master R and my girl with her 4th degree certificate
Receiving her new black belt

Thank you for the memories. 

From our beautiful chaos to yours no matter what life throws at you always follow your dreams 

My Nonsense 

I am a strong person. I am independent and confident. I am the shoulder for a crying friend and a warm hug to my family. I am a good mom and a loving wife. I am not this super human some see me as. I’m just me, ordinary me. And even though I may walk through life with a smile on my face that does not mean my feelings escape from hurt. Earlier a simple phrase hurt deeper than it should have.  But it hurt nonetheless.

The call came in, “Schools are closing three hours early” as we were setting down to have lunch.  I quickly fed the kids and we loaded up to go pick up diva and wild man. While waiting on wild man baby girl and Elmo fell asleep and Big Al was being his ususual “I need to go to sleep but refuse” grumpy self.  I get wild man off the bus and get him in the car and we drive over to wait in the growing line to pick up diva.  While he played his new ABC game he downloaded and Big Al fused about not being sleepy I sat and worked on a new post. That’s when I got the message this, my blog ,was nonsense.   I am sure it was not meant to sound the way it did, but the word nonsense cut hard and deep.

I know I’m not a world famous novelist. I am sure my posts are littered with grammar errors and typos. My thoughts are simple and my words are common, but it’s who I am.  I do not have a masters degree, and with two kids in college and five little ones at home, I don’t see obtaining one anytime soon. But this nonsense is MY NONSENSE.  If you don’t want to read it don’t. I will love you anyway.  This nonsense is my life story and I would not have it any other way. I enjoy writing about my kids, my life, and my experiences, while they maybe meaningless to most it means everything to me. I know that this blog may never be huge or that there is a chance no one will read my book after it’s finished. And I’m ok with that. I struggled with the idea to start this blog and the book, but when a seed is planted (And I do believe God planted the seed for both) then it has to be given a chance to grow. So I stepped out in faith and started to write.  


I don’t see myself as attractive or super smart. I do not see myself as better than anyone else or perfect in anyway. But I do feel blessed that God allowed me to become mom to seven wonderful (most days) kids. And I am blessed He has given me the courage to share our story  with those you want to read it. I was hurt by the words for most of the day. I started doubting myself and wondering if I should even continue. But after some thinking and a little praying I decided to go a different route.  I could let this really get to me and stop the blog and stop writing the book, but I will not let the devil use those words to stop me. Someone may need a good laugh, someone may want to hear how our day has gone, and someone might actually enjoy hearing what I have to say. So to that I will say, sorry devil this is my nonsense and there’s nothing or no one you can use to make me feel that my nonsense is useless.
From our beautiful chaos to yours don’t take what other people say or message so seriously. They could be having a bad day and their words reflect that. And even if they do mean what that say it’s ok. You can’t please everyone all the time….