One Proud Momma

Today I want to take a few minutes and talk about my oldest daughter and son.  With all our little loves, many times not on purpose, their achievements go unnoticed….but not today.

My daughter and me before the ceremony

This morning I woke up at 4am so I could drive four hours to watch my daughter receive a certificate. The whole “ceremony” if you want to call it that took less than five minutes.  Why in the world then did I drive four hours up and four hours back (actually longer my car decided to breakdown) to see this short ceremony?  Because that’s what moms do, we support our kids.

Thirteen years ago next month my oldest son, five at the time (let me let that sink in….sigh) wanted to start taking martial arts.  After much thought me and their father (now my ex) decided that if our son was going be in martial arts then our daughter would have to be also, so when he started fighting with her or using her to practice with she could hold her own. She was already in dance but agreed to try it out.  We looked around at different forms of martial arts and decided on Tae kwon do.  In February 2003 my kids took their first steps into the dojang.

They were naturals when it came to the forms and take downs, and of course my son loved the free fighting (my daughter not so much)  They quickly moved up in rank. Every three months there was a belt test and every three months they passed. Seeing them together working for something so hard still brings a smile to my face.  

My kids early on in their Tae kwon do career

In 2008 their father and I divorced. It was not an easy time in their lives and I worried how it would effect them.  The dojang, their friends there and their instructors helped them more at that time than I ever imagined. The head of the school Master R. Loved them as his own. He was a man they could look up to and one that they had respect for. He taught them more than just the ways of tae kwon do, he taught them lessons for life in general.  I’m not sure they would have stuck with it if it after the divorce if he and his wife had not been their to in courage them to keep moving forward. They helped save my kids from darkness. 

Then the unthinkable happened. Their  head instructor passed away unexpectedly.  One of the biggest influences in their lives (and in the lives of many) was gone.  The town was in shock, we are still in shock years later.  The fate of the school was unclear, his wife, my dear friend was dealing with so much no one expected her to continue. The students, parents and friends rallied together and keep the school going for her and for him until she could came back or  until she decided to close the doors. In time wife was able to make it back and continued where they had left off.

My daughter and Master R at one of the annual Christmas parties

A few years pass by and one Saturday in July came another belt test.  This test was special. For the first time in the schools thirty year history a female would test for fourth degree black belt.  She did her forms, her one steps, broke her boards and explained her thesis. With her brother,other black belts and lower ranking students surrounding her she passed the test.  I am sure Master R was looking down smiling on her that day.  Years of practice, sacrifice, discipline and determination had paid off.  She had made school history.  And together they are the highest ranking siblings at the school.   

My daughter and son before the test in July. They are the highest ranking siblings at the school

Today was the day she received her new belt and her certificate. So naturally I had to be there.  So yes I drove for hours to watch a ceremony that took less than 5 minutes, and I would do it again. Tae kwon do is not just a form of martial arts for her or my son. It is a way of life, it’s the way they live their lives.  They both have made me so proud. And I am sure as she received her certificate making her “officially” a 4th degree black belt 🥋 that Master R was looking down and smiling yet again.   So thankful for all he done for my kids and the other students while he was here. His legacy will carry on in those he taught. 

Mrs Master R and my girl with her 4th degree certificate
Receiving her new black belt

Thank you for the memories. 

From our beautiful chaos to yours no matter what life throws at you always follow your dreams 

My Nonsense 

I am a strong person. I am independent and confident. I am the shoulder for a crying friend and a warm hug to my family. I am a good mom and a loving wife. I am not this super human some see me as. I’m just me, ordinary me. And even though I may walk through life with a smile on my face that does not mean my feelings escape from hurt. Earlier a simple phrase hurt deeper than it should have.  But it hurt nonetheless.

The call came in, “Schools are closing three hours early” as we were setting down to have lunch.  I quickly fed the kids and we loaded up to go pick up diva and wild man. While waiting on wild man baby girl and Elmo fell asleep and Big Al was being his ususual “I need to go to sleep but refuse” grumpy self.  I get wild man off the bus and get him in the car and we drive over to wait in the growing line to pick up diva.  While he played his new ABC game he downloaded and Big Al fused about not being sleepy I sat and worked on a new post. That’s when I got the message this, my blog ,was nonsense.   I am sure it was not meant to sound the way it did, but the word nonsense cut hard and deep.

I know I’m not a world famous novelist. I am sure my posts are littered with grammar errors and typos. My thoughts are simple and my words are common, but it’s who I am.  I do not have a masters degree, and with two kids in college and five little ones at home, I don’t see obtaining one anytime soon. But this nonsense is MY NONSENSE.  If you don’t want to read it don’t. I will love you anyway.  This nonsense is my life story and I would not have it any other way. I enjoy writing about my kids, my life, and my experiences, while they maybe meaningless to most it means everything to me. I know that this blog may never be huge or that there is a chance no one will read my book after it’s finished. And I’m ok with that. I struggled with the idea to start this blog and the book, but when a seed is planted (And I do believe God planted the seed for both) then it has to be given a chance to grow. So I stepped out in faith and started to write.  

I don’t see myself as attractive or super smart. I do not see myself as better than anyone else or perfect in anyway. But I do feel blessed that God allowed me to become mom to seven wonderful (most days) kids. And I am blessed He has given me the courage to share our story  with those you want to read it. I was hurt by the words for most of the day. I started doubting myself and wondering if I should even continue. But after some thinking and a little praying I decided to go a different route.  I could let this really get to me and stop the blog and stop writing the book, but I will not let the devil use those words to stop me. Someone may need a good laugh, someone may want to hear how our day has gone, and someone might actually enjoy hearing what I have to say. So to that I will say, sorry devil this is my nonsense and there’s nothing or no one you can use to make me feel that my nonsense is useless.
From our beautiful chaos to yours don’t take what other people say or message so seriously. They could be having a bad day and their words reflect that. And even if they do mean what that say it’s ok. You can’t please everyone all the time….

Who am I?

In the beginning I was just a dream of my mother’s. Then I became a daughter, first born child, to my parent’s.They are truly like no other’s.

As a child I was a granddaughter, apple of their eyes, stay and play with me awhile, card playing, garden helper, and slumber night at grandpa and grandmas kind of gal. 

I am a big sister, though sometimes not the best but siblings argue from time to time I guess.

I am an aunt of two spunky teens, they make me smile oh how I miss seeing them it’s been quite awhile.

For awhile I was Dave’s wife, mother of two, then I became his ex-wife if people really only knew.

 I am a survivor of domestic violence. It took years to escape, I had it search within to figure out this was not my fate. 

But who am I?

I am a Christian. I love my Jesus, the hallelujah host, I am not perfect not even close, so thankful for the times God love me most.

I am a friend, been both a good one and a bad. I have been there for some at their weakest moments, yet lost some because I was to consumed with life events. 

I am now Todd’s wife, mother of seven. I really miss living in WV “almost heaven”

There I was wife, mom, foster mom, adoptive mom, and so much more. Here I feel a loneliness  like nothing before. 

I miss my foster group meetings and dinners with the family. I miss my best friend’s girls night outs and and surprised bags of peanut M&M candies.

Don’t get me wrong I love my kids, our new house and state, I just wish I was adjusting faster and could have an occasional husband date.

Here I am only mom and wife, and half the time I don’t feel I am even getting that right.

I am now a Tennessean, Mountaineer at heart, Packers are my Pro team after all I am smart. 

I still hate frogs and stormy nights, but love to held around bonfire lights.

I am a kisser of boo-boo’s, a taxi, and a toilet bowl cleaner, sometimes life maked me just a little meaner. 

I am who I am, I’m lucky and blessed sometimes though I wish I knew who “just me” was I guess.

Do You Ever Think of Them?

A letter to our birth mom(s) ….

All the little ones are tucked into bed. I have finished the second round of check-ins to cover them back up, change diapers and kiss them once more. Life may be busy and at times overwhelming but I would not change a thing.

It’s in the moments like this I find myself thinking of our birth moms. Our adoptions were not the typical ones you see play out on TV or like the ones in the newspaper ads. We did not submit our story to an expecting mother for her to look over our file and pick us to be her child’s forever parents. We do not have an open adoption were we(the adoptive parents and birth parents)can share photos and stories about how the kids are and what we both hope their future holds. We do not share stories about our own childhood in hopes to give them the same type of wonderful memories. No our story is nothing like that….so I wonder.

I wonder if on their birthdays do you think of them? Do you ask yourself ” I wonder what toys they like now or how tall are they now?” I wonder if you think to yourself “School is starting soon, will she like her new teacher?” ” Will he ride the bus?” I wonder do you miss late night cuddles and having the magicial mommy kiss that can make the biggest boo boos all better? I wonder if you miss hearing the phrases I love you mommy or Can you tuck me in tonight? I wonder if you even realize what you have lost or have the drugs completely consumed you? I wonder and wait for the next call to come in saying ,”she’s had another baby.” I wonder if you miss them. I wonder do you ever cry yourself to sleep? Do you catch yourself looking in the crowd to see if anyone looks like what you picture them to look like. I wonder if friends or family still ask you about them? I wonder what their lives would be like if the state had not stepped in to save them. A million thoughts and questions run through my mind, especially late at night while I rock our youngest back to sleep or while our son is judged by outsiders on his actions, things he can not help because of the drugs and neglect he had to go through. I get so mad at you and the things you’ve done. You have no idea the damage you placed on their lives because of your choices you made without thinking of the outcome for them. But then God reminds me if it was not for you I would not have them with me. So I wonder what do you think of me?

I am thankful and grateful that I have been given the chance to be their mom. I am thankful for the few talks we had as we waited outside courtroom doors. I am thankful for a system, though broken sometimes, allowed us to keep 4 siblings together and also allowed us to adopted one who had no one. I could not picture my life without them so I wonder what your life is like without them. I wonder if they have your smile, your laugh, or if they have your personality. Does she get her unruly behaviors from you, does he think and solve problems like you? I wonder if they will ask me questions about you later in life. I wonder how I will answer these questions. I wonder if they will thank me for giving them a chance at a normal life or will they recent me for keeping you away from them? How will I handle that? I wonder if you pray for them and wish them well in their new life. Or if once they were removed from your care you never gave them a second thought? I wonder if your ok. I wonder if you are safe. I wonder if you even care.

I know you never planned for drugs and alchol to take over your life. I know that having your children removed and placed in state care was not how you saw things when you were a little girl. I know you must have been angry, scared, and maybe a little ashamed. But I need you to know they are okay. They are better than okay they are great. Know that I love them. All of them. I love them with every beat of my heart. I love early morning wake ups to giggling down the hall. I love story time and playtime and all the times in between. Know that they are happy, sassy, talented, and yes they fight with each other like all siblings do. Know that I vowed to each of them they will always know how special they are each and every day. Know that I am grateful you had them and did not abort them. Thank you for giving them the gift of life. I am blessed to have them here. I am blessed to be their forever mom.

I may never know the answers to these questions. And I guess I will be ok with that. I am thankful God placed each of them in my arms. I am thankful He had a plan for them when life throw them a curve ball. I pray for you and your life choices. I pray things start to look up and help is received.

I will continue to pray for you I know the circumstances where not what either of us planned but because of you I am mom to my beautiful chaos. We are forever connected in God’s great plan.

From our beautiful chaos to yours its okay to question the unknown but dont get stuck there.Someday you may get the answers you are looking for. Until then just have faith in God’s greater plan.