I Remember Life Before Autism

I remember sleeping in past 5am. I remember friends calling on a Friday night. I remember date night with my husband. I remember Sunday after church dinner in an actual restaurant. I remember people offering to babysit. I remember friends just wanting to come over and hang out.

Things before autism were so carefree. I did not know what an IEP was or what ABA stood for. My days were not booked with OT appointments or Music Therapy. I did not have to fight for equal education. I did not worry if other children or adults would pick on you.

But you see my sweet beautiful boy, if it were not for autism I would not have YOU.

You are my heart and soul. You make my days bright. Your laugh can light up a room like no other. You have no fear. You love planes, trains, and the pool. You love to draw pictures and play on your tablet. You are trying so hard to play with your brothers and sisters.

Yes we have days (sometimes weeks) were things are hard. Really. Hard. And in our world we just take those days one at a time. We go to bed, sleep on it, pray for a better day tomorrow and start all over in the morning.

We are working on behaviors and unlearning some not so good words that you picked up in school last year. But we can’t sweat the small stuff. (Hopefully you will not say them in front of the pastor.). Life with autism is anything but boring.

Before you my sweet boy I was scared of autism. I didn’t understand it. I didn’t know anyone with it. Our lives have changed in many ways. Our circle of friends has gotten much smaller. We order our groceries online to avoid the crowds. We do at home vacations instead of going away now. But I would not change a thing. Autism has been a blessing to me, because it gave me a son like you.

24

It is hard to believe that you’re 24 today. Where do time go? How did it happen?

From the moment I knew about you I knew what my purpose on this earth was. Was I scared? Yes. Very much so, I was young, only 18, and God had in trusted me with the job of being Your Mom. Not just anyone’s mom, yours, how could I say no? But still the questions were there: What in the world was I to do? What if I was a bad mom? What if you did not like me? All the what if’s flooded my mind. And then you arrived and all my worries stopped.

At 12:49 in the afternoon you made your grand entrance. All 8 pounds and 13 ounces of you. You by far, and yes I may be a little biased, were the prettiest little girl I had ever seen. You were mine and know matter what this world would throw our way my job was to protect you. Above all I was to love you like I had never loved another. I had a propose, I had you. My beautiful little one.

As the days turned to years we had our share (I know it is shocking to many lol) of ups and downs. We had our good moments and our not so great moments, but even in those not so great I hope you know I was doing what I thought was best for you.

Because of you, I was given the strength to get out of an abusive marriage. You saw something in me that was worth fighting for. You had seen the struggle and convinced me to get out. Thank you for believing in me when I did not fully believe in myself.

Now ten years later daddy T and I could not be any more proud of you. I can’t believe we are so happy and have so much joy in our lives. Who would have thought that after so much darkness there could be so much light? I know I didn’t see five little loves joining our forever family. Did you? So thankful God believes in second chances at love and happiness.

And soon will come September and God will bless you with your own special little guy. The love you two will share will be magical I am sure. I can’t wait to see you as a mom. I know that you will be fantastic, God had big plans for you. I look forward to seeing you grow into mom life, to hold your hand when you think you have failed ( but trust me you will do great ), to wipe a way your tears and to let you know how special you are. We have come so far and I am thankful God has given me to gift of being a Lolly aka grandma. I look forward to seeing where this adventure takes us.

I love you Sie Happy 24th Birthday!!

Looking Back on 2018

Happy New Year!!

Hello everyone.

Can you believe it’s 2019?! Where in the world did 2018 go? I guess the Gretchen Rubin saying is true, The days are long but the years are short. 

As we settled in for a night of movies, popcorn, pepperoni rolls, and giggles with the littles I could not help but look back at what the past year looked like for our family. What a difference one year makes.

Last January we were in Tennessee. We were fostering a beautiful little girl. She fit in perfectly with our little loves. That was actually her second time with us. Man I miss her sweet smile, the sounds she made while she slept, and the way she took in everything around her. I am happy she is now with family members that can care for her the way she needs to be. For a moment we thought she was meant to be ours, God had other plans for her and for us. So we will continue to pray for her, her parents, and those taking care of her. Baby Peaches will forever be in our hearts.

In March she went to live with her grandmother, and our lives went back to our normal. The kids were doing well in school. My husband was busy at work. All in all things seemed to going well. I became a published author in March. Beautiful Chaos Our Story about Foster Care, Adoption, Faith and Love hit Amazon (and some bookshelves) on March 14. I never thought it would happen, but it did. It finally did. Some dreams are meant to be reality. In March my mom and I were able to attend a Women of Joy conference. Powerful messages and wonderful worship filled three amazing days. While there I had the pleasure of meeting Lisa Harper in person. Her testimony is so touching. Her books are amazing. Being able to give her a copy of my book and get a copy of her book was amazing.

In April we welcomed a very tiny sick little boy into our home. It was just for a week until his grandmother could get things in order at her house so she could care for him at her home. It just happened to be the week of Easter. What a perfect week to have him with us. He was able to attend one of the most memorable Easter services I have ever been to. He was prayed for and prayed over by our pastor and his wife. And even though he was only with us a week he too will have a place in our hearts. Its not about the amount of time we spend with someone, its about what we share in that time that matters.

May brought about a trip with my oldest daughter and my momma. The previous Christmas Sierra and I surprised my mom with a tickets as one of her presents. My mom, recently retired, had always wanted to take a cruise but was never able to go. My dad does not care for the ocean so Sierra and I decided we would take her and make it a girls only trip. We had a blast. Seeing my mom so happy and excited was truly one of the highlights of my year. Maybe we can make it a yearly thing? Maybe.

My mom, daughter, and I sailing to the Bahamas

May also changed things. My father in law was not doing well. I’ve said it before and I will say it again cancer sucks. He was fighting a losing battle and time with him we knew was growing short. My husband and I started talking about moving back home but it was not as simply as “just moving home”. The thought of taking JR out of his school scared us. I knew our other little loves would adjust fine, but him, we worried about him. His needs are much different than theirs. We prayed and talked and talked some more trying to figure out what was best for all of us.

June we received a call for a little girl and welcomed her into our home. She was a bundle of joy. Always laughing and by far the best sleeper we had in a long time. Our little loves loved having her with us.

I was not feeling the best and after talking with my doctor I was scheduled for a hysterectomy in mid June. During the pretesting the doctor discovered something wrong. It appeared that I had had a mild heart attack. I was floored. I’m only 42. The doctor had more tests ran and it was later determined that it was not a heart attack just a heart issue (still not completely sure what happened or what the issue actually was.) But truly thankful whatever it was God saw fit to fix it. Thank you Jesus!

With my health scare and Todd’s dad sick we made the decision to move back home. We needed to be closer to our families. I brought the kids up and they spent most of the summer at my parents home. I would travel back and forth between to two states. We still had our foster daughter and she had visits and meetings we could not miss. When we knew for sure we would be moving (still in the middle of all my testing on my heart) we discussed her case with her caseworker, her GAL (guardian at litem) and her mom. The decision was made that she would be placed in another foster home where she could continue to thrive while her mom worked her plan to get her back. It was with a heavy heart we had to let her go. The day I dropped her off to her new foster family was hard. We did not plan for her stay with us to end like it did. Last I heard she is doing great and her mom is working hard on things to one day have her back. I pray all works out.

August arrived before we knew it and we closed on our new house, the day before school started. Talk about crazy timing. Todd was still working in TN, traveling back and forth to see us and his dad. School brought about new schools, new teachers, new everything for our kids. It was a difficult time but thankfully everyone is adjusting well now.

October we celebrated Halloween. We had the Ghostbusters along with the Marshmallow man and the cutest little Dale Jr I’ve ever seen. That would be the last time the kids and I would see my father-in-law. It is still so hard to believe he is gone. I am thankful for the memories he gave to my kids, to me. He was truly an special man.

November is a blur. That’s when our world changed forever. When Jesus called him home. He fought a hard fight. We went through the motions at Thanksgiving. I cooked. I wanted my mother in law’s Thanksgiving to go as smoothly as possible. My orders from my seven year old were to make sure she was happy. JR knows she misses him for he too misses his papaw. They were inseparable. Not a day has went by he has not asked about him or how he can get to him.

December my husband was able to finally move home. After our TN house sold and things at his work slowed down he was able to transfer back up here. Having him home has been the best gift. We are once again under one roof. We are stronger when we are all together. Christmas was a busy time, with our five little loves and our daughter and her boyfriend, and our son and his girlfriend, our house was filled with laughter and presents. Lots of presents. There were laughs and some tears, but over all we had an okay Christmas. We missed papaw’s laugh and smile, I guess that’s something we always will.

2018 brought about many changes for us. Life is about change. We must learn to live life and love the people we are surrounded by. We must forgive others and forgive ourselves. We must be patient with what’s going on and see where God leads us. In 2018 we made some new friends (stopped talking to a few). We discovered we are stronger than we realized and our faith grew. Our hearts were broken and tears we shed many times, but through it all we had each other. I am not sure what 2019 will hold for us. And that is the beauty of change. My prayer is that whatever life throws at us in the new year we learn from it, we grow from it, we are blessed by it, and we embrace it. Through it all may God keep us and guide us all the way.

From our beautiful chaos to yours, May 2019 be a very blessed and exciting year.

Check out my book over on my website at beautifulchaosmomma.com or on Amazon https://www.amazon.com/Beautiful-Chaos-Story-Foster-Adoption/dp/1973619784/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1546358274&sr=8-3&keywords=beautiful+chaos+paperback

Lost Tooth

Losing baby teeth is part of growing up. I remember one time when my oldest son was around five. He had lost a tooth at my then mother in laws house and the tooth fairy traded him ten dollars for his tiny tooth. To my son (and me) that was a lot of cash for one tooth. A few days later he jumped off the couch and hit the table, just as he had planned, and out come another tooth. He was so proud as he showed me the bloody tooth and his lip. Unfortunately for him at our house the tooth fairy did not pay out as much. That stunt was never tried again. Thank goodness.

Awe memories.

Last night was yet another big tooth event in our home. Wild man does not tell us a lot of things when it comes to physical pain. So when he told me his tooth was squeaking, I had to check. Sure enough it was moving. He has lost teeth before, most of them we only notice once we see the empty space in his mouth. One he lost at school in an apple slice, he was excited to bring that one home apple and all. So for him to notice his tooth was moving is a huge win for him (us). All day his tongue wiggled that tooth back and forth. I offered to help but he insisted he could do it on his own. Independence something I have prayed for him to have. And then it happened. That tiny little grinded down tooth popped out.

His sister told him to do’s and don’ts of leaving a tooth for the tooth fairy, at the age of eight she is a pro. He wanted to make sure we placed it under his pillow, so we did. He made sure it was well protected. His plane, his bumble, and his body sock all placed in the way he wanted. He paced back and forth for over an hour making sure everything was just right.

He went to sleep with ease (which is not something he does) all in the hopes of getting treasure from the tooth fairy. When the first signs of the early morning light come through the bedroom window he was up. The tooth fairy had given him some money and even left his tooth as Wild Man had requested. He wanted to add it to his treasure box, how could the tooth fairy say no?

Such a normal everyday event, and yet I have cried my eyes out.

There are so many days I would give anything to get inside his mind and see the world he sees. Today our worlds come together over a small tooth.

This evening we continued the celebration with a movie night. He is starting to interact more with our other boys, where as he use to only parallel play along side them. As we watched Frozen (thank you Freeform) the boys asked if he wanted to have a sleepover in their room. I carried in his mattress while the boys brought his bag of cars, his rocket, his treasure box, and the all important blue light lamp. They wanted him to feel safe and made sure he had all of his favorite things.

Again I’m in tears.

As they get older they are bonding, as well as siblings can when autism is a factor. Tonight was a good night.

I am thankful for lost teeth and sleepovers. What are you thankful for this evening?